Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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