New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
