Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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