Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
