u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
