Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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