just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
