I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
