i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
