I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My ass is underappreciated
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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