Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
