You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
