The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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