I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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