Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Me too!
Screwed.edu
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
