and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
