She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
