You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
