I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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