she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
