Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dignity is for republicans.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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