why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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