Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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