Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
