I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This is classic penis vs brain.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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