Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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