Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
