No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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