OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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