I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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