I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I still have a little drunk in my system
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
