I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
