If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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