After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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