glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
