My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
