Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
