you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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