My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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