Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I want to make a zoo with you.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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