my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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