The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
