I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
