Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She's the barista slut.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
