I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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