why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
