Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
