I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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