My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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