gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
